'Mrs. Dalloway' by Virginia Woolf | Notes on Intimacy, Relationships, Regrets, and Aging

Fragments from the book and all of my thoughts about it {book reflection}

In the month of February I stumbled into one of my favorite secondhand bookstores, Blue Cypress Books and browsed their shelves for about a hour or two. While browsing, I found a nine dollar copy of Mrs. Dalloway and an eight dollar copy of To the Lighthouse—both written by Virginia Woolf. Like most books I purchase, this book sat on my shelf collecting dust for mere weeks before I actually read it.

Mrs. Dalloway follows a woman named Clarissa Dalloway who is planning a party while being haunted by the ghost of the living. Throughout most of the story Clarissa contemplates her regrets, questions the meaning of life and death, and weighs love, passion, and stability. Clarissa is grappling with being a second-class citizen in the public eye: “this being Mrs. Dalloway; not even Clarissa anymore; this being Mrs. Richard Dalloway” (Woolf, page 9). She is reflecting on the life she has lived, and the one she could’ve lived.

“Did it matter then, she asked herself, walking towards Bond Street, did it matter that she must inevitable cease completely; all this must go on without her; did she resent it; or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely?” (Woolf, pages 7-8)

The cast is small enough to full grasp the depth and purpose of the main characters. We have Clarissa, her husband Richard Dalloway, her ex-lover of sorts Peter Walsh, and her childhood bestfriend Sally Seton. The novel is full of lush scenery, metaphors, and internal monologue. There are long paragraphs and never-ending sentences connected by semicolons. However, I wish this book was even longer. I’ve sat with this book for months and I am only recently been able to put words completely to my thoughts on it.

As a hopeful romantic, the first aspect of this book that I adored was the complexity of Clarissa’s past relationship with Peter and current marriage with Richard. The reflection on the passion she and Peter shared, the reassurance to herself that she made the right decision marrying Richard, and the juxtaposition between both relationships.

“For they might be parted for hundreds of years, she and Peter… she had to break with him or they would have been destroyed, both of them ruined, she was convinced; though she had borne about with her for years like an arrowing sticking in her heart the grief, the anguish…” (Woolf, pages 5-6)

And, of Peter:

“He had never felt so happy in the whole of his life! … Nothing mattered. They sat on the ground and talked— he and Clarissa. They went in and out of each other’s minds without any effort.” (Woolf, page 69)

Even after decades since Mrs. Dalloway was first published, readers—especially me— still heavily relate to Clarissa’s sentiments about wanting stability more than passion which was her thought process for marrying Richard and breaking it off with Peter. In the end, I could understand — and even root for — her relationship with Richard. Richard was dependable and gentle.

“But he would tell Clarissa that he loved her, in so many words… Indeed, his own life was a miracle; let him make no mistake about it; here he was, in the prime of life, walking to his house in Westminster to tell Clarissa that he loved her. Happiness is this, he thought… He was holding out flowers — roses, red and white roses. (But he could not bring himself to say he loved her; not in so many words.)

But how lovely, she said, taking his flowers. She understood: she understood without his speaking; his Clarissa.” (Woolf, pages 130 - 132)

I remember going to bed late at night after finishing a few pages of this book. I was thinking about how this novel covered grieving the loss of the living. And I cried. Because it put words to a feeling I have yet to be able to describe. The wallowing hole within Peter’s heart that once belong to Clarissa is now a space of emptiness. This emptiness is not a feeling of loneliness. It’s just the absence of a person whom you once held dear.

“… it almost broke my heart too, (Peter) thought; and was overcome with his grief, which rose like a moon looked at from a terrace, ghastly beautiful with light from the sunken day. I was more unhappy than I’ve ever been since, he thought… She too seemed to be sitting with him on the terrace, in the moonlight.” (Woolf, page 45)

In passing, Virginia Woolf discusses the value of goodness for the sake of goodness. Goodness without the promise of heaven.

“As we are a doomed race, chained to a sinking ship… she thought there were no Gods; no one was to blame; and so she evolved the atheist’s religion of doing good for the sake of goodness.” (Woolf, page 86)

Religion involved, I have to quarrel with myself to make sure my morals aren’t aligned with a “reward” I think is promised to me. I have to reassess and make sure that I am good to simply be good. I am kind to simply be kind.

Another thing I absolutely love about Virginia Woolf is that she rarely veers into graphic bigotry, racism, or homophobia. In fact, she tends to involve queerness in her stories. The friendship and girlhood aspects of this book was also phenomenal.

Mrs. Dalloway moved me for a couple of reasons. I have so much endearment for literature that consists of no plot and is purely pages on pages of a woman reflecting on the life she’s lived, the relationships and friendships she has partaken, and her beliefs and values. I love books on the complexity of human life from a woman’s perspective. I love books that cover regrets and difficult, everyday decisions. It was so delicately written. Just prose of prose of descriptions, scenery, interactions, and thoughts. And the fact that our main character was in her early fifties, just made it even sweeter.

My mind, the way it works, and the things I contemplate on a daily basis were perfectly mirrored within this book. Clarissa’s stream of consciousness was uncomfortably relatable: the yearning to slip back into past bonds, to pick up right where she left off was so relatable; the internal arguments about what I should look for in friendships and relationships; the need to do good; the reflective nature of her brain; and the way she spirals through regret, nostalgia, and longing until she reaches a place of positivity.

Miss Dalloway has also placed Virginia Woolf as one of my favorite authors. Honestly, this novel is now one of my favorite pieces of literature of all time.

Thanks for reading.

Yulani S. ☕️