Grieving the Loss of Your Love: "Father Time"
Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers (MM&TBS essay 2). A short essay about my father.
I don’t think people can comprehend love beyond romance. Love is shown in many ways and it’s easy to tell when you’re loved or not, especially when you’re a kid.
When I was younger, I loved. And anyone I thought was supposed to love me, did: Mom, dad, Mema, Papaw. But people grow, people change, and their love does too.
Love is a decision.
And people can decide to stop loving whenever they choose.
5pm at night walking into our local Race Trac, getting large cups of sugary slushes that made both of our stomachs hurt, cracking jokes with teary-eyed laughter, 8pm dancing down the isle of Target to ‘Firework’ by Katy Perry, ordering entrees and dessert, after Kids Orchestra picking up heapings of Nacho Fries from Taco Bell with extra cheese.
Until one day, you closed your door, never returning again mentally. All I could do was watch and cry. I spent the rest of my childhood watching you be a shell of the person you once were.
The words I’ve said, should’ve said, almost said all disappear knowing you won’t hear or listen. Coming to terms with the fact that you simply don’t want to understand me at all, waking up day after day and realizing you’re not who I thought you were, that you truly won’t ever be that person again, feels like being splashed with ice water over and over again until you’re accustomed to the sting of the cold.
“One thing I’ve learned: love can change with the seasons. And I can’t please everybody.”
- Crown by Kendrick Lamar
My father’s unhealed trauma has created a ripple effect within his entire family. His decision to not get therapy and heal from the things he’s experienced has not only hurt him, but his relationships and the people he helped create.
What do you do when someone that used to love you, doesn’t anymore? How do you heal knowing this person was capable of loving you and simply chose not to?
Thanks for reading.
Yulani.
“Coming to terms with the fact that you simply don’t want to understand me at all” I remember these moments well with my stepdad, and ultimately had two fathers fail me lol. Thanks for sharing Lani 🫶 you’re wise to mention that his withdrawal is because he’s going through something and in reality it has nothing to do with you. You’re incredible and brilliant and oh so lovable!